Seasons greetings. We are a scant few days away from Christmas, and that means it’s time to get those last minute wishes into the folks in charge. As martial artists, we have only one mythological character to be concerned about – Martial Arts Santa.
Unlike his cousin Regular Santa, Martial Arts Santa isn’t concerned about your religious denomination. Instead he’s been watching your sidekicks and checking his list to see when your last promotion was.
Now, during this most joyous of seasons, I ask MASanta to grant me some holiday wishes.
Wish #1: Make the New Karate Kid Disappear
I’m sure many of you are aware, but there is a new Karate Kid in the works. If MASanta has the ability to visit every house in the world in a single night, certainly he can make one upcoming movie disappear.
One of the goals of the holidays is to promote peace on Earth, right? Well what better way than to avoid the rage and angst of martial artists all over the planet that grew up with the original Karate Kid series? This one seems like a no brainer.
Wish #2: Bring Bruce Lee and Musashi Back to Life and Make Them Fight
Man, what an epic showdown that would be! They’d be kinda like zombies, so we could pit them against each other in a variety of ways.
First, I’d have them go at it open-hand. No tricks. No weapons.
Second, I’d let them pick a weapon of choice. I imagine Bruce Lee would use the nunchaku while Musashi would use a katana.
Third, I would toss them both Lirpa and let things go down just like this:
Wish #3: Settle Once and For All Those Mandatory Martial Arts Questions
Every martial arts blog and forum seems to inevitably run into the same couple of questions. Things like:
1. What’s the best style?
2. Does chi exist?
3. Do no-touch knockouts exist?
4. How many fights end on the ground?
5. Is MMA a real martial art?
6. etc. etc.
My request to MASanta would be to make a list and just answer these questions definitively. If anybody questions him, MASanta would then have the authority to use his secret holiday-figurehead style to wipe out the offending parties.
I’ve never pondered what it would be like getting stabbed by a sharpened candy cane…and I don’t think I want to find out any time soon.
Wish #4: Bring me an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle (BB Gun)
with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.
Wish #5: Grant Me Ten More Wishes
What? MASanta isn’t a genie? FINE. Then I guess i’ll wish for a quick recovery for all of our martial arts brethren who are currently dealing with injury. Also, continued success to all of my readers who have been generous enough to stop by from time to time!
So what’s your wish? Get it into MASanta before it’s too late!